Uncertainty.
I also don't like the little bumps along my road to recovery. I want to be strong and shrug them off, but at times it's difficult to find the strength.
Here's the truth. Everything is slow now. Daily routines take forever. I have bowel and bladder accidents once or twice a week. Last week I had my first Urinary Tract Infection - this manifested in increased pain and decreased energy. Some days I sleep well, others I stay up with pain. My back is knotted so tightly that it feels like muscle is being torn from the bone. And I don't feel confident being alone.
My list of uncertainties and insecurities prior to the accident is twice as long. Every where I go there I am. And as before I still find moments of joy and beauty.
A successful transfer to or from my chair, a note from a friend, a squirrel in the yard, the wind in the trees, the sun on my face, the smell of sage, and my forehead pressed into Jacki's.
Where will this all lead? I have no clue. I am just happy I still have the opportunity to be here.
This week's update:
Jacki and I are well. She's been a rock star. I do my best to keep her in my positive mind. Miriam (my sister) has been a welcome help with not only me, but around the house too (she repaired our furnace).
I am getting stronger, navigating the house well, continuing our daily outdoor strolls. The UTI cleared up with antibiotics, we proved that I can still sweep and cook, I still have a hard time getting dressed in the chair - pants, I prefer to get dressed in bed, I broke my brace in two places during PT, repaired brace with duct tape, the pain is down but at times it ca still be up, car transfers are a work in progress, and I'm feeling more motivated to make new images.
See you out there,
Louis
Beautiful picture Louis, and thanks for the blog updates! It's really interesting to hear about your adventures in adjusting to this new life chapter. I continue to be impressed by your strength and honesty. Wonder if you can hit Esther up for some dry needling to work on that monster back knot!!
ReplyDeleteThe uncertainty is a feeling we all know. Now in many ways, the entire world is feeling a shared uncertainty. It's unpleasant, but uncertainty really is the feeling we all get as we stare at a blank canvas, and allows us redraw a new reality even more full of joy for the things that should be most appreciated in this life - like the squirrel in the tree or the loved one close to us. I think as we all face new, individual obstacles, or perhaps just get older, that we are bound to find an incredibly deep magic in things like the smell of sage. I often forgot to appreciate those things in my younger years. Your honesty and perspective are a great reminder to appreciate those things. Your words are appreciated, valued and insightful. I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo many of us are rooting for you and the fight you're living.
ReplyDeleteEveryone I know in your situation says this transition is brutal. I usually see them a few years after the fact, once they've hardened their routine.
It takes time to find your way through this stuff. Yet "finding your way" is dangerous, frustrating and incredibly detailed. Shifting a few inches one way or another a transfer can make or break you. Little injuries you can't feel can be intensely magnified. UTI's are annoying and difficult to discover.
When I meet my home health patients, I often tell them that there is a window of opportunity between when we meet and when they start hating me. Good luck with this process!
I love your honesty. I admire your courage and determination. You are an incredible human. Keep it up. Sending you my love - Andrea
ReplyDeleteYou are as skilled with the written word as you are with the camera. Your strength and courage are inspiring many.
ReplyDelete