I'm a Mess!

I'm a mess. What else can I say?

My new norm is, well new and unknown. I have no real idea how or what I am capable of so we enter each day pensively. This state has me doubting my previous perceptions of independence. 

A few weeks back I was wrestling with needing help from Jacki, Miriam, or anyone nearby, and wishing I could do more things myself. I would ask for help, immediately regret it and feel a sense of shame. How can I be an equal and giving partner in my marriage, as a brother, friend, father, etc. when physically I don't measure up? My moods would shift and Jacki, being closest, received the blunt end. 

I then participated in a virtual outdoor adventure through Adventure United and set the intention of exploring the idea of independence vs. dependence. I joined a group of online fellows who despite living in the restrictions of the COVID world were game to gather once a day to share their daily experiences having adventures within these limits. Unsure of how much I would actually participate I was surprised by feeling motivated by the group to have any experience I deemed worthy without any judgment. I could find my experiences through reading, watching a documentary, staring out a window or, if I had the energy, going outside. 

On day one, our friend Rob Beers stopped by to paint the ramp leading to the front door with textured paint. This was adding safety to my path home. Many thanks Rob.

 That the ramp leading out allowed me to come and go independently and having to avoid it for 24 hours made me immediately dependent on others to get me out of the house. As Jacki and Miriam bumped me down the back steps we heard birds chirping. Maybe four different calls. I contemplated the birds dependence on the seasons to where they call home. Then the thought that they depended on the worms, insects, grubs to keep them feed and nourished. We felt the wind rushing by, moving through the trees, the back patio, hitting the house and escaping to the front yard. What does the wind depend on to make it go on? As we strolled slowly from the house more questions and realizations presented themselves. We depend on the roads we travel on, the grocery stores for food, the infrastructure to have comforts of home.  So much depends on many things and people coming together. This idea expanded on and on. 

The Adventure at Home days flew by. I found more energy and made connections with other people finding beauty in exploring this new world. My meditation on independence vs dependence has given me a broader view on my current position. I may need more help than I used to, but in the bigger picture it's only slightly more than everyone else.

Yes, I'm a mess, but I have always been and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Checkout Adventure United to explore opportunities to connect deeper with going outside in a safe and supported environment that will simply make you feel good regardless of skill level, experience, or fitness. I mean, I did it in a wheel chair!

Update:   

I am getting stronger and more confident with each passing day. I spend more time in my chair, pop in and out of the chair numerous times, and take longer strolls. My exercises feel easier, and my routines are taking up less time. But everything still feels hard and I still need a ton of help. The pain is tracking down and yet it still spikes up. I tell myself this is okay as it seems to be following closely to my increased output and tapering of daily pain medication.   

Jacki is my pillar of strength and continues to love and support despite my moods. We have our moments, but have the tools to keep things on the up and up. As we both settle into the new norm she has been able to add hours back to her work schedule as I find the time to do the same. 

Miriam is returning home after spending the last three weeks. Her presence will be deeply missed.

See you out there, 

Louis