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In Way Too Deep

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             Early in May I received a text from Jason Dorais asking if I’d like to photograph his wedding to Stacey Pearson June 6 th . Broken, tired and breathing through waves of pain I smiled. Over the last two years I had watched from afar their relationship grow. I’d known Jason for years. First, from reading of him during his track days in college, and then later in person through work and play. Stacey, I didn’t know as well but recalled a shared indoor bouldering session last fall. There was a brief talk about loss of people we care about and then I asked about how she and Jason began. Something about how she showed Jason up on a problem in that very gym. I knew them both to be good folk and couldn’t help but be happy for them and a shared future together. I typed out a text response gracefully declining then paused before sending. Eyes closed I tried to imagine what it might be like. Beautiful, sincere, filled with joy and fun, I saw a day unfold perfectly then out of nowhere
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Weekly News - Field trip to the BST

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I went for a mountain bike ride last week. When asked by a friend if I had any news to share it took me several hems and hahs that I had done so. Apparently that was news. At the encouragement of Brad Barlage I reached out to the folks at Trails (the same folks who have lent me a road bike) about borrowing a mountain bike. After consulting with my doctor, who was pretty adamant about where I could and couldn't ride, a team of three from trails met me later that week. I am still on restrictions for activity so the team had pre-ridden a couple fo trails and recommended we start on a short section of the Bonneville Shoreline Trail east of the University of Utah. With Jacki, my PT Ane Robinson, Brad Barlage, and Chris "Commander" Magerl in tow, we met up with Keegan, George, and Bryan from Trails. For a few short laps we all soaked up the day by cruising and sharing as we rolled up and down in an open space that separates the city from the hills. Is it hard
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Failure - Not the End of the World

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Last week it happened. I missed my chair while transferring from the shower bench. For the first couple weeks home I would call either Jacki or Miriam and have them join me in the bathroom to spot. Most times it happened without a hitch, but every so often I would spring forward a bit too far and drive my head into their chest. They would then catch my naked body and guide me gently back into the chair. I worked at it over and over to point of not calling for a spot and after more than two weeks with no spotting you might say I was on my way. On that day as I began my bowel and shower routine Jacki headed out for her morning run. I pooped in a very hands on kind of way, cleaned that up then showered. Afterward I toweled off and bumped my body/butt along the transfer bench toward the wheelchair . I paused to spread a small towel over my seat cushion then positioned my feet and hands to make the second bump onto the chair. Placement of every part of my body plays a huge role in any succ
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Unfortunately, We All Have Pity Parties.

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I felt the tears run down my cheeks before I could stop them.  Wiping them away I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My mother's voice rang clear in my head. "You have been given way too much to start feeling sorry for yourself. It's okay to feel the loss, the immensity of the struggle, the amount of work it takes, but you CAN NOT feel sorry for yourself!" In the previous moment I'd had a "Poor Louis" moment. My back muscles were revolting and I allowed the whimpering to enter the scene. Poor me, my back hurts whah, whah, whah... Catching the moment quickly my higher mind jumped in and Mom's presence offered comfort. In my head I apologized to my deceased mother and father, to living relatives, friends, and supporters, then I spoke aloud to Jacki. "I'm truly sorry about that." I'd love to tell you that every thing is easy and I am soaring to a rapid recovery with a hop skip and a jump and smiles are around every corner, but that w
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I'm a Mess!

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I'm a mess. What else can I say? My new norm is, well new and unknown. I have no real idea how or what I am capable of so we enter each day pensively. This state has me doubting my previous perceptions of independence.  A few weeks back I was wrestling with needing help from Jacki, Miriam, or anyone nearby, and wishing I could do more things myself. I would ask for help, immediately regret it and feel a sense of shame. How can I be an equal and giving partner in my marriage, as a brother, friend, father, etc. when physically I don't measure up? My moods would shift and Jacki, being closest, received the blunt end.  I then participated in a virtual outdoor adventure through Adventure United and set the intention of exploring the idea of independence vs. dependence. I joined a group of online fellows who despite living in the restrictions of the COVID world were game to gather once a day to share their daily experiences having adventures within these limits. Uns
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Uncertainty.

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I am unsure right now. Actually, I am unsure most of the time and it's a feeling that has been with me my whole life let alone after becoming a paraplegic. I don't like the uncertainty. I also don't like the little bumps along my road to recovery. I want to be strong and shrug them off, but at times it's difficult to find the strength. Here's the truth. Everything is slow now. Daily routines take forever. I have bowel and bladder accidents once or twice a week. Last week I had my first Urinary Tract Infection - this manifested in increased pain and decreased energy. Some days I sleep well, others I stay up with pain. My back is knotted so tightly that it feels like muscle is being torn from the bone. And I don't feel confident being alone. My list of uncertainties and insecurities prior to the accident is twice as long. Every where I go there I am. And as before I still find moments of joy and beauty. A successful transfer to or from my chair, a note f
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I Am Ready to Go... but not really

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When I woke in the hospital post surgery I was acutely aware that I no longer had use of the part of my body below my arms. At the time it didn't really phase me. I mean, I'd seen people in wheelchairs before. I knew that they got around well and some were doing incredible things. So naturally I thought I would pull the numerous tubes from my body, hop into a chair and get to work. For some reason I was certain I would be creating more images right away and those images would be more relevant than ever before. Then I was going to visit all the people I knew giving out hugs and letting them know how they influenced me, and also spend time with family and friends. There was this drive to put all all my effort and energy into creating positive change in the world. The reality was I wasn't ready to go.  The accident was traumatic. Not only had I fractured several vertebrae and severed my spinal cord, I had broken ribs, collapsed a lung, scalped my head, received a concussio
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